Of late, I have been overwhelmed with a profound and growing sense of homelessness. Despite my struggles with church culture, I have always believed it important to stay in connection with the local church. However, these days, no matter where I go, I feel like an alien. I have always felt like a bit of an outsider, even when I served in full-time ministry. But lately it's different. The distance feels greater than normal.
I don't feel distant from Christ. I really don't. Particularly in prayer, in reading and in writing, I feel very close to God. It's much more a sense of not belonging anywhere. As I have visited various church communities, I have - in most cases - found myself affected with a great sense of love and appreciation for the people, for their worship and their love for each other. But it is very much like I am watching through a glass shop window or listening to a song too far in the distance. My heart and spirit are warmed by what I hear, yet no matter how much I think I recognize the tune, everything seems a little out of sync. I could put this down to my own apostasy except that my heart and mind are consumed with Christ and faith - and that my sensation of alienation are not confined to the church. Though they are often strongest there.
Some might be tempted to explain this in psychological terms like mild dissociative/depersonalization disorder. I'm equally certain that some would suggest it as God's discipline or wrath. For all I know, they are both right. But I wonder if there is something more.
Appropriately enough, as Christmas is only just behind us, I think of Jesus. Born into a world that was his own, into a people that were his own (John 1:11) - both in that he was their creator God in essence and in that he was their brother, united with them in humanity. And yet, what an alien world it must have seemed to him. How he must have felt, alongside his great love for them, somehow vastly distant from these his brothers and sisters. Alone among family. Alone even among friends.
What we often call the "church" - the institution - is not so very different from the world. It is a place, a culture, a people. We may love and feel loved in return by the people we encounter there. We may even feel at times a sense of belonging there. And that can be a precious gift. But we must not mistake it for our home. Our home is our Father. And we have known the Father in his son, glorious in his grace and truth and in his love.
Someday we will all be home. I mean that in two senses. On the one hand, we shall all come home together into the fullness and joy of the perfect presence of God among us. In that fullness and joy, however, we will also be home to one another, unconditionally loving and being loved by each other, enwrapped in the unifying love of God.
